Weekly Musings I - Why?
“I don’t think someone should make it the goal to be in a relationship or to date. I think if they find someone that they really want to be with, then the goal of marriage or a long term partnership should come secondary to that”
Admittedly, nothing that I’m about to talk about today is particularly “philosophical” - but I wanted to share some musings that I’ve been thinking about lately.
My partner and I often have open conversations surrounding the why behind relationships, and love. We both come from varying perspectives and experiences on this subject matter so admittedly I find it refreshing to have open discourse with him surrounding the two topics.
Recently he said something that struck me, and I’m definitely paraphrasing but it was along the lines of, “I don’t think someone should make it the goal to be in a relationship or to date. I think if they find someone that they really want to be with, then the goal of marriage or a long-term partnership should come secondary to that.” Simple in concept, profound in-depth.
As a relationship coach, I often coach people who may not always have the luxury to think in that framework. Children and pregnancy are a real concern for many women, and age plays a huge factor in that. But the takeaway is not to think of all the edge cases or try to disprove his thought, but rather to encourage this to be adopted at a young age to be a healthy mindset around love.
Choose the person, not the idea.
The second thought I’ve been thinking about was not from a direct conversation, but something I saw in passing. It said the following, “When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.”
In some ways, this follows from my previous thought, the feeling of being in a relationship or being in love can often just be a way that we soothe ourselves to not confront what’s really going on underneath. Choosing the idea, not the person.
But I digress. What I’m exploring here is the idea that it is incredibly important to be aware of why we choose to do things. What is the why? And in exploring the why, to not feel ashamed or scared of revealing what’s underneath. Rather, treat it as purely a self-exploration exercise to better understand yourself.
Further, let me emphasize that this is less about optimizing your life or being hyper-productive, more so being awake in our own decision-making process.
That being said, I think it’s perfectly normal, human even, to not know your deepest sense of meaning or purpose every hour of every waking moment. Many of us pivot jobs, passions, goals, etc. over the course of our entire lifetime. So then the question I propose is how do you define meaning in your own life, and how can that deeper sense of meaning derive much more fulfillment for yourself than temporary pleasures?
